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Leave a comment Posted on blog, Comedy, Humor, Podcast, Stand Up

A couple of Tracks and a podcast

Hello Blog world. Sorry, I haven’t really blogged in a while and really this isn’t a blog either. But it is CONTENT and that’s what makes the internet go round, right? Content. So what I’m putting out here is a couple of clips that you down loud. They where recorded at a show I did right after the new year in Shakopee.

And Episode 47 of the Spencer Dobcast is up. In this Episode I interview Comic Dwight York. We talk a lot about Sturgis and One Liners and Comedy in general. Enjoy.

Spencer Dobcast

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10 Things not to ask a guy who shit a little at an office meeting. (or maybe the first 10 things you should ask a guy who shit a little at an office meeting)

1. Do you think I can’t smell that? You know I can smell that, right?
2. For future reference, if you shart and yell “Synergy!” we will think you planned it.
3. You know we think you did that on purpose, right?
4. You want to maybe spew some really inappropriate racial slurs to make this room an unbearable pressure cooker or both olfactory and ethical outrage?
5. Would you like your secret santa to get you a pair of boxer shorts with a sound card in them then will play “the Gambler” when it senses a shart? Because I feel you neither know when to hold them or when to fold them.
6. If you leave this meeting, you may get fired, if you stay, you may be clubbed to death by us. What you gonna do holmes? What you gonna do?
7. Is there a way you can spin that stink bomb into a positive?
8. You may not know it, but you’re shart is laying cover for my shart, does that make you feel better? No?
9. You realize that chair is now going to be called “the shit chair” right? And we are going to look at each other and laugh when ever we have a new employee that sits in the shit chair. And then we are going to call them ‘shit chair Alice’ or ‘shart chair Frank’ there by passing the humiliation along for generations.
10. Did you hear what the what the overall net returns for third quarter where, or where you too busy filling your shorts with what appears to be hot steaming death?

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10 things not to ask an okcupid date before you meet them.

10 things not to ask an okcupid date before you meet them. (Or possible the 10 questions you should definitely ask if you really think the answer to any of them is yes.)

  1. This sucks, right? This kind of sucks, doesn’t it? I mean kind of? it sucks. Right?
  2. Is this one of my friends fucking with me? Like you made a profile and now you’re like “ha ha, that jack ass thinks it’s a girl who also likes waffles, but it’s not, it’s your idiot friends.” Because that would be dickish.
  3. Will you send me a picture of your feet? I don’t have a foot fetish, I just want to make sure you don’t have hooves.
  4. have you ever killed anybody? Of course not, but seriously, have you?
  5. After we have sex, do you really think we’re going to give a shit about each other’s opinions of The Big Bang Theory?
  6. Are you going to steal my kidney?
  7. I noticed you didn’t answer the question about butt sex. Would you mind answering it.
  8. You know how on the Amerikans their totally assimilated Russian Spies who pass for regular Americans, but then they do spy stuff. Is that you, and if I ask do you have to tell me, like vice cops are supposed to?
  9. It’s really hard to detect sarcasm in writing. So it’s possible you actually hate the collective works of S.E. Hinton. Do you?
  10. Do you promise if I meet you I won’t wake up in a cave thousands of feet underground being used as breeding stock by mole people?
  11. What do you mean by ‘promise is a strong word’
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Here, read some of my @midnight tweets while you blow off your job or poop or what ever.

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Atleast, at the end of the day, I , unlike about a billion other people, poop in the right place. So maybe I’m not such a bad person after all.

“Top Story, front page, Huffington Post this Morning ” One Billion People Still Practice Open Defecation, Endangering Public Health: UN” 

 

This is one of those things that people in places like…..here, for example… look at and get a bit of a chubby about. This story, a billion people don’t have the good sense or dignity to not poop in the street, shows clearly and irrefutably how smart we are. We poop in a porcelain bowl in a special room designed for pooping in. You heard me, we built a poop room. THEN, because we are so…I don’t know how else to say this other than better, we push a lever and our poop just goes away. We don’t really know where it goes. Tooth Fairies house? It seems like the tooth fairy deals with unwanted human waiste, right?

If we get passed what can only be interpreted as our moral superiority, this story is, and my apologies to the libertarians and republican’s who don’t read this in the first place,proof that the only way to fight big shit is with big government. Vietnam and Bangladesh had big poop problems, but they completely got rid of public pooping by using the government to teach people not to shit in the street. India has a huge public poop problem. And the spent billions of dollars on it,

“But this was disbursed from the central level to the provinces and then all the provinces had their own mechanisms of implementing. And as their own data showed, those billions of dollars did not reach the poorest,” -Rolf Luyendijk,  UNICEF statistician

You can’t deal with poop on a state level, you have to deal with poop on a federal level. If you don’t, half the states are going around rubbing peoples noses in it and swatting them on the butt with a newspaper when they go on the street, 1/4 of the states are caging people until they know they have to poop and then letting them in the bathroom and using a shock collar if they go in the corner instead of the bowl. Some are just relying on a gentler, “Potty Planner” Method where they hang around at times they think people will have to go to the bathroom and kind of nudge them in the right direction.

India, a country that’s been around so long that people still have calenders marked “B.C.” in boxes in their basements, India, the country that gave us little things like the button, shampoo and the cultivation of Cotton, needs to rethink potty training. That’s mind boggling.

“What is shocking in India is this picture of someone practicing open defecation and in the other hand having a mobile phone,” said Maria Neira, director of Public Health at the WHO.

Ok, that’s mind boggling. There is a place where the “iPhone” circle overlaps with the “Poops in the Street” circle on the venn diagram of ‘Things people that live here do” It seems like they could make a version of angry birds with poops instead of birds that you try to get into the toilet? Or make a version of Tinder where if you like people they go in the bowl and if you don’t like them go in the street. Maybe have a sitcom where one of the characters is a bit of a ladies man, and when he likes a girl he says “I like that one, she looks like a real bowl shitter.” or “No, that didn’t work out, she was a street shitter.”

Or maybe a music video with a dancing poop?

I’m relieved this isn’t happening here. If it was happening here we would have to be polarized. And there would a lightning rod figure speaking out in defense of street shitting. And then he would hold a press conference where he would say some really horrible things about other races. And then it would become an issue of “freedom.” “I aint going to let no Obama tell me I can’t shit in the street. I’m an American! I have rights”  Yeah. You do. but sometimes what you ‘want’ to do is less important then ‘everyone else not getting typhoid.’

Good luck street poopers. I hope a hero rises from you’re ranks and leads you to the bathroom. I hope there is some sort of Moses of street shitters. or some kind of ground up ‘occupied, not shitting on wall street’ movement.

I gotta say, this whole story makes me feel a little better about my life. It ain’t perfect, but at least if I’m shitting in the street it because I’m on bath salts.