“Kiss me I’m Irish” has sold more morning after pills than any other holiday phrases combined and that includes “Kiss me under the Mistletoe” and the Mardi Gras salutation “Show me your tits!” Of the Party Holiday’s, St. Patrick’s Day is the clear, international Champ, especially in overall number of hook ups. People don’t even know why they are partying a majority of the time, they just know to drink and wear green on March 17th and that’s plenty good for them.
Not that knowing why you are partying would make you party less, if anything, it makes you party more. Ireland is the Star Trek of Nations; it has an army of geeks that know its finest minutia. But unlike Star Trek, Ireland Geeks are getting laid on a daily basis. See, sex and Guinness is really all they’ve got, they’re just poor simple Irish Folk, (who currently happen to be Dutch, Italian and a little Czechoslovakian, and working as a loan consultants while living in a McMansion in an outer ring suburbs or Des Moines, IA.)
As with any success story there comes a time when imitators try to hone in on a little of that sweet success; except, for some reason, St. Patrick’s Day. Nobody has stepped up to St. Patty’s Day, until now that is. In the Proud American Tradition of “Battle Star Galactica”, The Monkey’s and Burger King, I give you a list of sayings that are just as good as “Kiss Me Irish”:
- “Let’s go have sex in the parking lot of this Applebee’s, I’m Dutch!”
- “Why don’t you just discretely put your hand on it under the table, My Parents are Korean and Welsh!”
- “How would you like to stare at the dome light of my Range Rover while I make drunk sloppy sex on you? I’m ¾ Persian and ¼ Portuguese!”
- “What say you let me check you for ticks, and by ‘check you for ticks’ I mean run my shakey, tweeker paws all over your trembling half naked body? I’m Mostly Norwegian, and then we’re not sure what the hell grandma pa was!”
- “Surprise! You got Roofied! I’m French Canadian, Turkish, Bulgarian, English and just a smidge Puerto Rican!”
- “Please help me get these Sperms out of my body! I’m Democratic Republic of the Congan and Polish!
Well, that’s a good start. Happy St. Patricks Day everybody and when you wake up tomorrow in a hazy hung-over fog, your head throbbing , stomach churning and tongue ass flavored, may you look to the stranger next to you and may that stranger be at least half as good looking as you through they where and all the gender you believed they were. Erin Go Bragh!
If you liked this post, please go to the Funny or Die version and click funny